Great weekend...now waiting

So, I got to see Hunter this weekend was a bit of a surprise. My roommate happened to be going to Pensacola so I was able to spend the weekend with Hunter (though of course not overnight) It was nice to see him but of course time goes way to fast. We were able to spend some time at the beach (it was cold!), hang at the hotel, go see a movie and hang out at the mall. It was just nice to physically be with him and it just proves to me how great we are as a couple when we are together. When I am with him I definitely feel complete and as soon as he leaves I definitely feel that part of me is missing.  We were also overshadowed a bit by the fact that he most likely will not spend 6 months in Washington like we expected, but will instead most likely spend that time aboard the USS Enterprise with his squadron which at the moment is on standby for Libya and Bahrain, definitely terrifying. I have heard the communication is not great on these ship and that email is the best thing. Phone calls are expensive and no skype unless they are at a good port. This first deployment will definitely be a big test for us. Hunter gets to come home for leave in about a week and a half and we get 9 days together. I am so excited for this time, though of course I will still be busy with school when he is here. I am also just trying hard to not think of the fact that this is the last time I will see him for a very long time, but of course that thought never leaves my mind. I am trying very hard to just take things by the moment and not worry about the future but I think that is just about impossible. Hoping to just try and get some of my stress under control. I guess I never thought at 19 i would be dealing with the stresses that I am dealing with. I mean I am so grateful to have Hunter in my life and to be in this relationship but it definitely brings a lot of new stresses I never expected to have. For now, it is my spring break and I am staying in Tally. I am working and just going to try and study a lot before Hunter gets here so I don't have to study as much then. I'm sure I will write something later this week, hopefully when Hunter gets some more info, definitely a waiting game with the military.

things hopefully falling into place...

So, looks like we may have finally figured out how to get Hunter here for leave. I called the car rental company and explained the situation and they agreed to let him rent a car for a reasonable deal, yay! So, he should get here either the 15th or 16th or March, so excited to see him. He is taking 8-9 days of leave. STill sucks that I have 3 tests while he is here, but since I have decided to not go home for spring break and since my job closes down during that time, I am just going to study really early for all of my tests. I should be able to pull this off, somehow I always seem to make things work, even though it is really frustrating in the process. Things are still kind of up and down emotionally, right now I am just really happy and so in love and things are great with Hunter and I. Of course, there are still times, especially I night, that I just start getting all those "what ifs" in my head. I am nervous right now cause i know once this leave is over I won't see him for a very long time, the longest we have been apart so far. I don't doubt the love that Hunter and I have, I just doubt my ability to have to have to try and live my life without him by my side. It's amazing how you just miss those little things that you normally get in a "regular" relationship.  I am so grateful to have Hunter, I have no idea how I got so lucky to be with such a great guy. For now I am just going to enjoy our conversations and start counting the days down until leave :)

update....frustrated as hell

sooo...sorry it's been a while, i've been pretty busy. School and work are definitely keeping me busy. This past week or so Hunter and I have been able to talk just about everyday for a bit which has been nice. Plus, he didn't had duty this weekend so we got long phone calls. Things between us have been going well, but of course the military is just being a pain in the ass and decided to screw things up today. He was supposed to class up today and start his classes, that would have him starting his leave on March 10th. That is towards the end of my spring break and the timing was great. I had someone willing to drive to go pick him up and everything. Then they decided this morning that he isn't going to class up until Friday (idk why, probably cause they don't have space yet). That means he gets leave on March 16th for a week. That is the worst possible week! I have no idea how I am going to get him here. I have no car, neither does he, we can't rent cars, and the cheapest plane ticket we could find was 300$. Seriously, 300$ to fly 200 miles, you have to be kidding me, we just don't have the money for that. We are looking at the greyhound but i don't think it leaves till the next day and takes about 6 hrs...we will lose almost another whole day of leave just to that. When you only get a week to see someone for at least the next 6 months, that extra day lost is precious. I am just so frustrated right now, that was not a good text to wake up to this morning (finding out this info). I understand that the military changes things all the time, and that we are going to miss a lot of holidays and just life events, I get that I do. I also understand this is out of his control, but it does not make it any less frustrating. I just hate this, and the restrictions cause of our age. If I had a car things would be fine, but I can't afford one. I hate money, I really do. It is so limiting when you don't have it. Right now I am just working my ass off to pay the bills, there is nothing extra. Grrr...I really am just frustrated right now, and this is why when he questions me as to why I don't want him doing a career, this is why. Cause this will only get tougher when the deployments start. plus, how the hell are we supposed to plan a wedding when they could change the date that he comes home from a deployment. that is all for now, just really frustrated, this rant could easily continue. Hopefully we actually get to talk tonight, and try to figure out what the hell to do now.

stressed...

So far these past few days have been nice since Hunter and I have a bit more communication, it's still not great but definitely better than before and I am so grateful for that. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I would have loved to be with him, but of course we could not. Yesterday was definitely a heavy conversation for us, it sucks cause it was emotionally draining, but we definitely needed it. I hate how we have to discuss important things over the phone, I would much rather do than in person, but at least I can actually have some time to talk to him now. Since we got engaged I have been looking more at the future in terms of "we" which I think is good that I am just naturally doing that, but at the same time that brings a lot more stress, or at least new stress. Financial stress is a big one right now, which is odd cause normally i am the kind of person just thinks the finances will fall into place. I think it is hitting me that he isn't making that much money and this first year is just him paying off debts like student loans so almost no money is being set aside. Also, I still have 2 yrs of college and I am going to come out with no money, hopefully no student loans but still broke, and of course I don't have a vehicle. So, essentially I am going to graduate with nothing but my stuff in my apartment and I am going to move to wherever he is stationed and then attempt to find a job, without having a vehicle. I am going to try and work at least 2 jobs this summer so hopefully I will be able to put some money aside, but it's hard to say. Plus I am working between 25-30 hrs a week in while in school which is also really stressful, but I am really just trying to make as much money as possible. Ugh, I just hate how important money is, I guess we will just figure it out, I know things will work out but in the mean time i am just a bit stressed about it. The other thing is that him doing a career is pretty likely, he can't officially deicde for like 3 yrs but it really does look like he will do it for 20 yrs. That terrifies me. He knows where I stand in that I won't stay with him if he does, but I have a feeling that will change. I think it'll change cause I fear being by myself so I will probably just do ths anyways, even though I don't think I will be as happy. It's not that I won't be happy with him, cause I love every moment with him, it's that I will have to be without him a lot. Again, the big fear is raising kids, working, and running a household by myself without him there. He says that he thinks we can do this and is just trying to think of all the positives, but sometimes i just wish he could see where I am coming from. He needs to remember that him being in the military also brings me and eventually the family into it as well, it will affect all of us. Right now I am just doing a lot of thinking. He is trying so hard to do everything right, I know he is and I truly appreciate that. It is just this future stuff that is so unknown that is scary.

lots of thinking...

wow, so this past week since I saw Hunter at graduation has been crazy with emotions. I had hoped I would get less extreme with them once I got adjusted to being back in Tally again, nope. Today was just bad, i think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed lol. I have just had all these crazy doubts running through my head and I have no idea why. It's funny how before bootcamp I was the one who wanted to get engaged and he was hesitant and now after bootcamp that has been flipped. I mean I do want to be engaged and I am happy but now I am the one who is a bit scared to commit. I think it is finally hitting me that committing to him truly does meaning committing to the military, and that even when we are married the military will always come first, not our relationship. I have known this from the start that the military duty would come first, but i think it is one of those things that is easier said than done. It definitely takes some mental adjustment and at times it is hard to try and not get frustrated. I know he can feel my frustration and I hope with time as we finally start to get some answers (though unlikely with the military, lol they can never answer anything) things will calm down. I just try to focus my frustration on the military in general and not on him since I know he can't control any of this. I am hoping to that we will get used to having some communication again. these past 10 weeks I didn't have him to talk to so i really just kept it in, and now that I can have some more phone calls it is just weird, like I have to let him back into my life again. I think our first phone conversation was a bit rough, but tonight was much better. i do miss when just him and i could talk on the phone. now he is always surrounded by other guys and the phone calls are always interrupted by him having to hang up to do something. I understand this is the military life, just some things I have noticed that are going to take some getting used to. I really hope his family mails his laptop soon so we can skype. I really just hope some of these fears go away, I know I want to be with him and I think we will have a great future together, it's just getting to that future that we both want that is certainly going to be a bumpy road. Right now I am just going to try and stay positive and enjoy what communication I have, hopefully if things go well he will get his first leave in about a month, can't wait to start this next countdown.

Missing him...

So, these past few days that I have come back from graduation have not been great. First I am still sick. I had the flu which then gave me pneumonia before I left for graduation. I was getting better, but now my stomach is just being torn apart, I miss food, lol. Though I suppose the one plus I can attempt to find from having this is I have dropped weight, totally not worth it though. I wish Hunter was hear cause I feel awful and could just use someone to take care of me. I heard from him yesterday on facebook for like 20 minutes and I was happy. I was hoping that would happen again today but it didn't. I did get his address though and I overnighted his phone so hopefully tomorrow he will be able to call me. I really do miss him. I miss hearing him say I love you. I miss the simple things, I know I say that over and over again but it's true. Sometimes I wish I could just have what others have in a "normal" relationship and with that I just mean being able to hear his voice, see him, hug him, kiss him. I know that this distance should strengthen our relationship and i think to an extent it has, i just don't know for how long it will continue to do so. I am worried that with like 6 month deployments he will forget about me. idk, maybe not so much forget about me, but fall out of love with me. I am worried he will get so consumed with his new life and his new buddies that I will just get left behind in all this. Don't get me wrong I want him to enjoy his time in the Navy and enjoy his friends, but i just don't know where I fall in all of this. I just hope I am in his thoughts long term, especially when he thinks about whether he plans on doing career or not. I think that's why since we have been engaged that I am not as happy as I thought I would be. I mean i totally see myself being with him for life, he makes me so happy. But, I am scared that if he chooses career that I know that is not something I want to have to do. I want to be able to have a husband that I get to see, and make sure that I don't have to raise kids by myself. That is why I can't be truly happy about this engagement, I am scared to commit to getting married because I don't know what he is going to do. I know he can't decide now because this is still new to him but I hope he decides soon. I want all these stupid doubts in my mind to go away, cause I really do love him. Well, I am going to try and get some sleep, hopefully this flu will be gone by the morning.

post-graduation

So, I am on the flight home right now from graduation weekend. I never imagined that I could feel such strong, polar opposite emotions in one weekend. I arrived in Great Lakes after a 24 hrs car drive….ugh that was so long. It was cold and there was a lot of snow considering the blizzard had come through, but I enjoyed the cold for a change. Friday morning I went to graduation. It started at 9am and by about 10:30 am they finally called liberty. I swore they took forever to make the liberty call, ha. So I ran down from the bleachers and found Hunter, it was the most amazing feeling in the world being able to see him. I can’t even begin to explain it. After a few minutes he had to leave for about 15 minutes to get his liberty card so we could get off base. We went back to the hotel with his family and we all talked for about an hour. Then Hunter and I finally got some alone time for about 3 hours. It was just so nice to be able to talk and to be in each others arms. That night we got deep dish pizza cause that is what he wanted, lol. Then before I knew it  he had to go back to base for the night.  I knew that he did not have overnight liberty, however I felt really overwhelmed when he left. I felt so alone cause I had finally gotten to see him for the first time in 10 weeks, and then within a few hours he had to go back. So needless to say both of the nights that he had to go back were quite rough. On Saturday he came back to the hotel at about 8:30 am,  we had till about 11 am before we went to another hotel (his family was driving back that day, but I was staying until Sunday).  So after we left that hotel we had lunch with his family before they left at cracker barrel. They then left and we went to our new hotel and just spent more time with each other. Then we decided to go to Gurnee Mills mall which was right across the street, it was huge. We had dinner at the Rainforest Café and  I of course  told the restaurant that it was his birthday (he is 23). I loved the look on his face when they all sang to him, haha. Then he had to go back to base for the evening, and another rough night. He got back to my hotel the next morning at about the same time as before and we had until noon to just snuggle and other things. Then the taxi driver picked up my luggage and held onto it until I had to leave for the airport. We had lunch at Stake and shake and walked around the mall again. He got a new phone, so that when he is in A school we can talk and such. We also got the engagement ring. We were originally going to wait a little bit, but they were offering great deals to help out military families (since ppl get engaged quite often after bootcamp). I am so happy to be engaged to him, I love him so much. Then we had to take the taxi to the airport. The ride was awful. I couldn’t help but cry. I was sad at how short the time felt that we had together. This was the first time that I had been truly happy in 10 weeks, and now I had to leave him again.  It’s like him leaving this time, was almost worse than bootcamp because now I know what it is like to have no communication and it is awful. I miss my best friend, my love, my other half. Right now I would do anything to just be with him. These next 4 yrs are going to be so long, I really want to be able to do this, I just hope I can stay strong. I guess that’s it. Just tired and really sad at the moment. I also have to study for a huge exam on Tuesday. I suppose I will write some other time.