Saturday, February 12, 2011

lots of thinking...

wow, so this past week since I saw Hunter at graduation has been crazy with emotions. I had hoped I would get less extreme with them once I got adjusted to being back in Tally again, nope. Today was just bad, i think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed lol. I have just had all these crazy doubts running through my head and I have no idea why. It's funny how before bootcamp I was the one who wanted to get engaged and he was hesitant and now after bootcamp that has been flipped. I mean I do want to be engaged and I am happy but now I am the one who is a bit scared to commit. I think it is finally hitting me that committing to him truly does meaning committing to the military, and that even when we are married the military will always come first, not our relationship. I have known this from the start that the military duty would come first, but i think it is one of those things that is easier said than done. It definitely takes some mental adjustment and at times it is hard to try and not get frustrated. I know he can feel my frustration and I hope with time as we finally start to get some answers (though unlikely with the military, lol they can never answer anything) things will calm down. I just try to focus my frustration on the military in general and not on him since I know he can't control any of this. I am hoping to that we will get used to having some communication again. these past 10 weeks I didn't have him to talk to so i really just kept it in, and now that I can have some more phone calls it is just weird, like I have to let him back into my life again. I think our first phone conversation was a bit rough, but tonight was much better. i do miss when just him and i could talk on the phone. now he is always surrounded by other guys and the phone calls are always interrupted by him having to hang up to do something. I understand this is the military life, just some things I have noticed that are going to take some getting used to. I really hope his family mails his laptop soon so we can skype. I really just hope some of these fears go away, I know I want to be with him and I think we will have a great future together, it's just getting to that future that we both want that is certainly going to be a bumpy road. Right now I am just going to try and stay positive and enjoy what communication I have, hopefully if things go well he will get his first leave in about a month, can't wait to start this next countdown.

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