Monday, March 7, 2011
So, I got to see Hunter this weekend was a bit of a surprise. My roommate happened to be going to Pensacola so I was able to spend the weekend with Hunter (though of course not overnight) It was nice to see him but of course time goes way to fast. We were able to spend some time at the beach (it was cold!), hang at the hotel, go see a movie and hang out at the mall. It was just nice to physically be with him and it just proves to me how great we are as a couple when we are together. When I am with him I definitely feel complete and as soon as he leaves I definitely feel that part of me is missing. We were also overshadowed a bit by the fact that he most likely will not spend 6 months in Washington like we expected, but will instead most likely spend that time aboard the USS Enterprise with his squadron which at the moment is on standby for Libya and Bahrain, definitely terrifying. I have heard the communication is not great on these ship and that email is the best thing. Phone calls are expensive and no skype unless they are at a good port. This first deployment will definitely be a big test for us. Hunter gets to come home for leave in about a week and a half and we get 9 days together. I am so excited for this time, though of course I will still be busy with school when he is here. I am also just trying hard to not think of the fact that this is the last time I will see him for a very long time, but of course that thought never leaves my mind. I am trying very hard to just take things by the moment and not worry about the future but I think that is just about impossible. Hoping to just try and get some of my stress under control. I guess I never thought at 19 i would be dealing with the stresses that I am dealing with. I mean I am so grateful to have Hunter in my life and to be in this relationship but it definitely brings a lot of new stresses I never expected to have. For now, it is my spring break and I am staying in Tally. I am working and just going to try and study a lot before Hunter gets here so I don't have to study as much then. I'm sure I will write something later this week, hopefully when Hunter gets some more info, definitely a waiting game with the military.
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 4:34 PM
Friday, February 25, 2011
So, looks like we may have finally figured out how to get Hunter here for leave. I called the car rental company and explained the situation and they agreed to let him rent a car for a reasonable deal, yay! So, he should get here either the 15th or 16th or March, so excited to see him. He is taking 8-9 days of leave. STill sucks that I have 3 tests while he is here, but since I have decided to not go home for spring break and since my job closes down during that time, I am just going to study really early for all of my tests. I should be able to pull this off, somehow I always seem to make things work, even though it is really frustrating in the process. Things are still kind of up and down emotionally, right now I am just really happy and so in love and things are great with Hunter and I. Of course, there are still times, especially I night, that I just start getting all those "what ifs" in my head. I am nervous right now cause i know once this leave is over I won't see him for a very long time, the longest we have been apart so far. I don't doubt the love that Hunter and I have, I just doubt my ability to have to have to try and live my life without him by my side. It's amazing how you just miss those little things that you normally get in a "regular" relationship. I am so grateful to have Hunter, I have no idea how I got so lucky to be with such a great guy. For now I am just going to enjoy our conversations and start counting the days down until leave :)
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 8:49 AM
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
sooo...sorry it's been a while, i've been pretty busy. School and work are definitely keeping me busy. This past week or so Hunter and I have been able to talk just about everyday for a bit which has been nice. Plus, he didn't had duty this weekend so we got long phone calls. Things between us have been going well, but of course the military is just being a pain in the ass and decided to screw things up today. He was supposed to class up today and start his classes, that would have him starting his leave on March 10th. That is towards the end of my spring break and the timing was great. I had someone willing to drive to go pick him up and everything. Then they decided this morning that he isn't going to class up until Friday (idk why, probably cause they don't have space yet). That means he gets leave on March 16th for a week. That is the worst possible week! I have no idea how I am going to get him here. I have no car, neither does he, we can't rent cars, and the cheapest plane ticket we could find was 300$. Seriously, 300$ to fly 200 miles, you have to be kidding me, we just don't have the money for that. We are looking at the greyhound but i don't think it leaves till the next day and takes about 6 hrs...we will lose almost another whole day of leave just to that. When you only get a week to see someone for at least the next 6 months, that extra day lost is precious. I am just so frustrated right now, that was not a good text to wake up to this morning (finding out this info). I understand that the military changes things all the time, and that we are going to miss a lot of holidays and just life events, I get that I do. I also understand this is out of his control, but it does not make it any less frustrating. I just hate this, and the restrictions cause of our age. If I had a car things would be fine, but I can't afford one. I hate money, I really do. It is so limiting when you don't have it. Right now I am just working my ass off to pay the bills, there is nothing extra. Grrr...I really am just frustrated right now, and this is why when he questions me as to why I don't want him doing a career, this is why. Cause this will only get tougher when the deployments start. plus, how the hell are we supposed to plan a wedding when they could change the date that he comes home from a deployment. that is all for now, just really frustrated, this rant could easily continue. Hopefully we actually get to talk tonight, and try to figure out what the hell to do now.
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 8:28 AM
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
So far these past few days have been nice since Hunter and I have a bit more communication, it's still not great but definitely better than before and I am so grateful for that. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I would have loved to be with him, but of course we could not. Yesterday was definitely a heavy conversation for us, it sucks cause it was emotionally draining, but we definitely needed it. I hate how we have to discuss important things over the phone, I would much rather do than in person, but at least I can actually have some time to talk to him now. Since we got engaged I have been looking more at the future in terms of "we" which I think is good that I am just naturally doing that, but at the same time that brings a lot more stress, or at least new stress. Financial stress is a big one right now, which is odd cause normally i am the kind of person just thinks the finances will fall into place. I think it is hitting me that he isn't making that much money and this first year is just him paying off debts like student loans so almost no money is being set aside. Also, I still have 2 yrs of college and I am going to come out with no money, hopefully no student loans but still broke, and of course I don't have a vehicle. So, essentially I am going to graduate with nothing but my stuff in my apartment and I am going to move to wherever he is stationed and then attempt to find a job, without having a vehicle. I am going to try and work at least 2 jobs this summer so hopefully I will be able to put some money aside, but it's hard to say. Plus I am working between 25-30 hrs a week in while in school which is also really stressful, but I am really just trying to make as much money as possible. Ugh, I just hate how important money is, I guess we will just figure it out, I know things will work out but in the mean time i am just a bit stressed about it. The other thing is that him doing a career is pretty likely, he can't officially deicde for like 3 yrs but it really does look like he will do it for 20 yrs. That terrifies me. He knows where I stand in that I won't stay with him if he does, but I have a feeling that will change. I think it'll change cause I fear being by myself so I will probably just do ths anyways, even though I don't think I will be as happy. It's not that I won't be happy with him, cause I love every moment with him, it's that I will have to be without him a lot. Again, the big fear is raising kids, working, and running a household by myself without him there. He says that he thinks we can do this and is just trying to think of all the positives, but sometimes i just wish he could see where I am coming from. He needs to remember that him being in the military also brings me and eventually the family into it as well, it will affect all of us. Right now I am just doing a lot of thinking. He is trying so hard to do everything right, I know he is and I truly appreciate that. It is just this future stuff that is so unknown that is scary.
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 12:09 PM
Saturday, February 12, 2011
wow, so this past week since I saw Hunter at graduation has been crazy with emotions. I had hoped I would get less extreme with them once I got adjusted to being back in Tally again, nope. Today was just bad, i think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed lol. I have just had all these crazy doubts running through my head and I have no idea why. It's funny how before bootcamp I was the one who wanted to get engaged and he was hesitant and now after bootcamp that has been flipped. I mean I do want to be engaged and I am happy but now I am the one who is a bit scared to commit. I think it is finally hitting me that committing to him truly does meaning committing to the military, and that even when we are married the military will always come first, not our relationship. I have known this from the start that the military duty would come first, but i think it is one of those things that is easier said than done. It definitely takes some mental adjustment and at times it is hard to try and not get frustrated. I know he can feel my frustration and I hope with time as we finally start to get some answers (though unlikely with the military, lol they can never answer anything) things will calm down. I just try to focus my frustration on the military in general and not on him since I know he can't control any of this. I am hoping to that we will get used to having some communication again. these past 10 weeks I didn't have him to talk to so i really just kept it in, and now that I can have some more phone calls it is just weird, like I have to let him back into my life again. I think our first phone conversation was a bit rough, but tonight was much better. i do miss when just him and i could talk on the phone. now he is always surrounded by other guys and the phone calls are always interrupted by him having to hang up to do something. I understand this is the military life, just some things I have noticed that are going to take some getting used to. I really hope his family mails his laptop soon so we can skype. I really just hope some of these fears go away, I know I want to be with him and I think we will have a great future together, it's just getting to that future that we both want that is certainly going to be a bumpy road. Right now I am just going to try and stay positive and enjoy what communication I have, hopefully if things go well he will get his first leave in about a month, can't wait to start this next countdown.
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 10:19 PM
Thursday, February 10, 2011
So, these past few days that I have come back from graduation have not been great. First I am still sick. I had the flu which then gave me pneumonia before I left for graduation. I was getting better, but now my stomach is just being torn apart, I miss food, lol. Though I suppose the one plus I can attempt to find from having this is I have dropped weight, totally not worth it though. I wish Hunter was hear cause I feel awful and could just use someone to take care of me. I heard from him yesterday on facebook for like 20 minutes and I was happy. I was hoping that would happen again today but it didn't. I did get his address though and I overnighted his phone so hopefully tomorrow he will be able to call me. I really do miss him. I miss hearing him say I love you. I miss the simple things, I know I say that over and over again but it's true. Sometimes I wish I could just have what others have in a "normal" relationship and with that I just mean being able to hear his voice, see him, hug him, kiss him. I know that this distance should strengthen our relationship and i think to an extent it has, i just don't know for how long it will continue to do so. I am worried that with like 6 month deployments he will forget about me. idk, maybe not so much forget about me, but fall out of love with me. I am worried he will get so consumed with his new life and his new buddies that I will just get left behind in all this. Don't get me wrong I want him to enjoy his time in the Navy and enjoy his friends, but i just don't know where I fall in all of this. I just hope I am in his thoughts long term, especially when he thinks about whether he plans on doing career or not. I think that's why since we have been engaged that I am not as happy as I thought I would be. I mean i totally see myself being with him for life, he makes me so happy. But, I am scared that if he chooses career that I know that is not something I want to have to do. I want to be able to have a husband that I get to see, and make sure that I don't have to raise kids by myself. That is why I can't be truly happy about this engagement, I am scared to commit to getting married because I don't know what he is going to do. I know he can't decide now because this is still new to him but I hope he decides soon. I want all these stupid doubts in my mind to go away, cause I really do love him. Well, I am going to try and get some sleep, hopefully this flu will be gone by the morning.
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 9:13 PM
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 10:13 PM
Friday, January 28, 2011
so, today I found out Hunter's first duty station. It is Whidbey Island, WA. He is of the VAQ-137 squadron, also known as "The Rooks" The ship they work with is the USS Enterprise (not going to lie I totally though otf Star Trek when I read that). He will be on base and then go out on deployments on the ship, though not sure when. His A school is just 17 days, and we are not sure if he gets his leave after. I really hope he does. For some reason finding out his Duty station just hit me really hard, like this isn't over after Boot Camp, in fact it's just the start. I mean Washington is great to start with, we'll shall see how long the deployments are on the ship, but it is still very far. Not sure how long he will be there or anything. Sometimes I still question why I am still doing this. So far all it has seemed to do is cause me a lot of heartache. But, at the same time that should be a good sign, right? that I care about him that much and that's why this bothers me so much. Sigh...I honestly miss how things used to be, as much as long distance sucked, I could at least talk to him everyday. I really just want to hear his voice right now. I have just under a week till I see him at graduation and while so excited I know how difficult it will be to leave again. I feel like these twenty something hrs we get together are just going to be a tease, especially since I don't know when I will see him next. I am also getting so nervous for graduation. I don't know how he will be after all this. I just hope he's the same man that I fell in love with. His letters make me so sad, I look forward to them every week but then I get them and they are just sad. At this point all I can do is pray, that he is the same guy. I pray that him and I can get through this. The biggest question is if he stays just 4 yrs or he does a career...cause I know I cannot do this for career. I will find out over graduation weekend what he decides...career or me, and as much as I hate to put it like that but it's true. I also have to look out for myself, and raising a family with the dad always gone just does not work. I understand that he must do this now and I am so proud of him, just nervous about what the future will bring.
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 4:05 PM
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
So, I have decided to start a blog as I adjust to my current lifestyle as a military fiancee. I'm not exactly sure what I will say. I know some of it will be very upbeat and at other times quite sad. I feel that if I can somehow write out what I am feeling then maybe this whole process will get easier. Hunter is currently in bootcamp and graduates 2/4/11! I am so excited, 9 days until I get to see him. These past 9.5 weeks have been so hard. I have only received two phone calls and while I get letters once a week they are often not happy, since he to is struggling with adjusting to the military lifestyle. Hunter proposed to me over the phone on Jan. 3rd. Though I expect a proper proposal over graduation weekend :) I have realized in these last few months just how important he is to me. I also realize that I have to be independent and need to keep as focused as possible despite missing him. After his graduated he will spend only 17 days in A school and will then go to his first duty station or his first deployment. This absolutely terrifies me, especially since I don't know how the communication will be and I don't know when I will get to see him again. There are a lot of questions, but unfortunately the military offers little answers. A motto both Hunter and I use is "the military is all about hurry up and wait". Things can change so quick so I must learn to never expect anything, for that only leads to disappointment. Well, that's all I can write for now. I am sure I will post something just before and after graduation. Now I must study for my exams, yuck.
Posted by loveknowsnodistance at 7:53 PM