Tuesday, February 15, 2011


So far these past few days have been nice since Hunter and I have a bit more communication, it's still not great but definitely better than before and I am so grateful for that. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I would have loved to be with him, but of course we could not. Yesterday was definitely a heavy conversation for us, it sucks cause it was emotionally draining, but we definitely needed it. I hate how we have to discuss important things over the phone, I would much rather do than in person, but at least I can actually have some time to talk to him now. Since we got engaged I have been looking more at the future in terms of "we" which I think is good that I am just naturally doing that, but at the same time that brings a lot more stress, or at least new stress. Financial stress is a big one right now, which is odd cause normally i am the kind of person just thinks the finances will fall into place. I think it is hitting me that he isn't making that much money and this first year is just him paying off debts like student loans so almost no money is being set aside. Also, I still have 2 yrs of college and I am going to come out with no money, hopefully no student loans but still broke, and of course I don't have a vehicle. So, essentially I am going to graduate with nothing but my stuff in my apartment and I am going to move to wherever he is stationed and then attempt to find a job, without having a vehicle. I am going to try and work at least 2 jobs this summer so hopefully I will be able to put some money aside, but it's hard to say. Plus I am working between 25-30 hrs a week in while in school which is also really stressful, but I am really just trying to make as much money as possible. Ugh, I just hate how important money is, I guess we will just figure it out, I know things will work out but in the mean time i am just a bit stressed about it. The other thing is that him doing a career is pretty likely, he can't officially deicde for like 3 yrs but it really does look like he will do it for 20 yrs. That terrifies me. He knows where I stand in that I won't stay with him if he does, but I have a feeling that will change. I think it'll change cause I fear being by myself so I will probably just do ths anyways, even though I don't think I will be as happy. It's not that I won't be happy with him, cause I love every moment with him, it's that I will have to be without him a lot. Again, the big fear is raising kids, working, and running a household by myself without him there. He says that he thinks we can do this and is just trying to think of all the positives, but sometimes i just wish he could see where I am coming from. He needs to remember that him being in the military also brings me and eventually the family into it as well, it will affect all of us. Right now I am just doing a lot of thinking. He is trying so hard to do everything right, I know he is and I truly appreciate that. It is just this future stuff that is so unknown that is scary.

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